Posted by on Feb 10, 2016 in God and Faith, Grief, Hope, My Journey, Uncategorized | 0 comments

I wish more than anyone that exciting & monumental moments in my life and in the lives of my beautiful family could be celebrations…. [Period.] No sting of pain. No aching from the hole in my heart that I thought was healing. It’s a loud
& annoying pain, too. It fills my entire body with emotions I can’t begin to describe. Memories come flooding forth that leave my mind spinning and my body depleted. The floodgates open wide and it feels like there’s no end in sight. Out of the deep abyss. Unexpected & unwelcome. 

You think there are ways to {mentally prepare} yourself for certain situations and events that are approaching, but sometimes all the preparing in the world can’t avoid or escape the flood that sweeps in. Something as simple as shopping for a birthday present for a nephew or friend’s little boy can prove to be heart wrenching, as I no longer have my little boy here to shop for & celebrate. The inner turmoil is ignited in situations that most people don’t even think twice about. 

The layers and dynamics behind navigating this grief are so complex and dreadful. I often feel guilty for not being able to just be happy when my kids reach milestones, my siblings get married and have babies, at birthdays parties & holidays with family. Just being able to celebrate uninhibited without this dark cloud looming overhead, I don’t want it there. At all. 

I hate this for myself but most of all for those that I love. I try so hard to not make it about me, to slap on a smile and focus on the good. Fix my eyes on my Savior and hope that it’s enough in those moments to keep me composed. More times than not He sustains me, helps me to have the reaction that a mom who hasn’t suffered the tragic & traumatic death of her son would have. He tenderly sweeps me up and holds me close as every fiber in my being wants to act in a way that it ‘should’, based upon what I’ve suffered through. But because God is bigger than my suffering I usually overcome the emotion in His Grace. He’s Greater than my past and the trauma it contains. I know this firsthand, but I also know that spiritual growth takes place in the furnace. There are verses all throughout scripture that attest to this. Romans 5:3-6. James 1:2-4. 

2 Corinthians 4:8-10. 1Peter 4:12. 
And this recently discovered nugget of truth… 

.. {“Every branch in me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”}

‭‭John‬ ‭15:2‬ ‭

Could it be that the moments when God allows me to feel most defeated and out of control are the moments that He is ‘pruning’ me. Producing MORE life, MORE love, MORE strength, MORE wisdom, MORE compassion, MORE faith, MORE Trust. Bringing me forth as gold out of this situation that would & should deem me helpless. In the moments that the inner turmoil is enough to bring me to my knees, maybe that’s just where He wants me so that He can continue to strengthen me {and prune me} through this, producing His ‘fruit’ in me. 
When the waves sweep in unexpected I know I will (eventually) be fine, I always am, but I also know there’s more for me than this. 
I know He wants me to be free from this debilitating grief, the hopeless & don’t want to leave my house at times kind. Grief is a lifelong process, but it doesn’t have to consume me and taint EVERY new chapter & pivotal moment with it’s sadness.

**To my fellow bereaved mamas….
Don’t settle. Refuse to be a victim of this crappy circumstance. Rather than shutting down and retracting from difficult emotions and family celebrations allow God to prune you. If we accept that our fate is to merely survive we can’t fulfill and live out all that God has for us here. Give yourselves some time to recharge after a big ‘hit’, but don’t stay down and out. Navigating this road just plain sucks. No one wants to do it. No one has all the answers. As much as we may ‘expect’ our other family members & close friends to ‘get it’ and empathize, they can’t live up to that, and when they ‘fail’, that’s no cause to feel neglected or unloved. Though many other lives are affected by our loss, it’s never going to be the same as the us, the child’s parent. 

Heck, sometimes I don’t even know what exactly I’m thinking or feeling to know what I need, so let’s try to not allow actions from those who love us, to hurt us, because we know deep down that’s not the intention. We have to allow His Love to consume us and never give up on ourselves. Because we were made for so much More.