Posted by on Nov 1, 2016 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Another layer of this grief has begun its descent and it’s exposing more raw and unchartered emotions within. The thing with grief is its a process. I’m sure that’s not new news to most of you, but I’m beginning to discover ‘why’ it’s a process. There is territory that had I been brought to the threshold of it years ago, I would have been swallowed up. The new layers gradually peel back as I embrace the emotions that accompany this grief rather than iron vault them up & attempt to force myself to feel anything other than the screaming sadness. 

The journey can leave me bruised + battered & quite frankly confused, because I’d thought surely I wouldn’t arrive back at this place of consumption. When my heart tangibly aches and yearns for my boy. Facing these feelings is terrifying, especially when distracting myself + avoiding helps me to function at a much greater capacity. But powering through because ‘I just have to’ cannot be my motivation forever. Surrendering to allow every ounce of beauty to be produced from these ashes of brokenness, out of this suffering, requires feeling the weight of it all, no matter how badly I may want to avoid the resurfacing + unwelcome pain. 

Fear causes us to retreat, to harden. And over time, unknowingly, my heart has hardened to feeling. It’s easier + ‘more socially acceptable’ to ignore it, especially since so much time has passed, why go back? Except that tending to my heart wounds isn’t ‘going back’ it’s actually moving forward into the next season of healing + growth. Change can be difficult, embarking on new journeys into the unknown is scary, but it’s crucial. 

I thought that I had surrendered. I’m learning surrender is a {noun} AND a {VERB}. Surrender could be viewed as ‘giving up’, weakness; but I’m beginning to see it as walking in Victory. 

This grief process keeps perpetuating and I’m ever so grateful for the seasons of rest that I’ve experienced the past several years, but I’m learning to be even more thankful for the seasons of wrestling. Because it’s in those moments that new life is birthed, that surrendering my will to His Perfect one brings Victory, Healing, Peace. (if I’m trusting Him and believing that He has plans for good + prosperity in my life. Keeping an open mind + heart at what that may look like. After all, His Ways are Higher) 

As new layers of tenderness are peeled back and exposed I can harden + attempt to repair the frailness with busyness + distractions OR I can embrace them with tender Grace, feel it in the depths of my soul and watch as something beautiful is birthed in the Hope-filled, expectant, surrender. 

In this place of hurt + longing there is much revelation if I open my eyes and tune in my heart to the new thing that God is doing within. Focusing on His unshakeable + unchanging Promises for ME, knowing with full confidence that He’s not finished with me yet; there is an abundance of immeasurable blessing, priceless wisdom, up ahead •.