Outliving my child was not something I ever dreamt of or desired. It was actually never even a thought in my mind until Will died. My 3 years and 8 months with him was filled with love, joy and squeezing every last ounce of fun + life out of each day. It’s crazy to think I’ve existed on this earth for 35 years; yet those 3 years with him & 8 since his death impacted me more than anything ever had or will. I have been given a gift with this great sorrow and that is Eternal perspective. I have to choose to use + steward this gift, to SEE it, walk in it’s Truth & Light and that’s not always easy. Sometimes the sorrow + darkness just overwhelm. And sometimes life gets sticky because I’m not immune to other hurts / disappointments just because I’m enduring/weathering this #childloss road. •
And birthdays. How bittersweet it can be to celebrate another year of life when I’ve outlived my son. The first several years I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face the fact that I was here and he wasn’t. I couldn’t slap on a smile and pretend that I wasn’t completely crushed to have another minute that I felt I didn’t deserve & honestly didn’t want.
Until last year when something shifted. The dark cloud of dread + depression surrounding my birthday was lifted from my mind / heart and I saw life through fresh eyes. The ‘valley of Achor’ [trouble] transformed into a gateway of Hope & Expectation🙌🏻 The past year has been one of transformation… As I woke up this morning and felt the heaviness of what I felt on all the other birthday’s I’ve had since Will passed, God gently reminded me of this [NEW] life + Hope that [WE’VE] been working toward, living out. He’s been cultivating so much Gold in me through my tears + surrender and I refuse to be a victim of my circumstance, I am a Mighty Warrior + Beloved Daughter 👊🏻
I’ve trusted Him that He would bring to fruition the very Promise He spoke when I was just 27 years old, holding my son right before his spirit left this earth, that [He would work all things together for Good.] He never asked me to see Will’s tragic death as ‘good’, just to trust Who I know Him to be despite what it looked or felt like.
Excited to see what this year has in store. I cannot let these moments + opportunities to grow, share His Love & rejoice slip through my fingers because my eyes are fixed only on my pain rather than His Great Promises🔥 Hello 35… let’s go and blaze some trails🙌🏻