Posted by on Jul 23, 2017 in Anxiety/Depression, God and Faith, Grief, Heaven Anniversaries, Hope, My Journey | 0 comments

I’ve been navigating the deep waters of grief for 8 years now.

July 21, 2009. A day that will forever be imprinted on my heart, it changed the course of my life forever. The day when my beautiful 3 year old son died in a tragic accident + my world was shattered. We were left with a casket to pick, funeral plan and a future to walk out without our sweet Will. Typically future hopes / dreams for families don’t involve the messy reality that had just crept its way into our lives. Where does one even begin to attempt to pick up those pieces? I ‘hid’ behind my faith for awhile, afraid of actual feeling the gravity of it all… (yea that’s an actual thing I think)

But as I gradually became more of a shell of who I once was in the months following Will’s death, I was encouraged by close friends to seek medical ‘help’ in the form of anti-depressant/anxiety medication. As a ‘Christian’ who was openly proclaiming how God was near and sufficient in my suffering, I was devastated at the time to have to consider taking that route, let alone actual go down it. Looking back, that medicine was a saving grace that helped to balance my brain / chemicals enough to allow me to function through daily life. {I may have only needed it for a period of time in my grief but everyone is different.}It’s scary to think that I almost allowed shame to prevent me from seeking help in that way. God wasn’t any less sufficient because of it. He wasn’t disappointed that I chose to take prescription medicine, the only thing that stood in my way was my own pride. He was actually able to communicate more clearly with me once my brain was able to focus a bit better. If you have a broken leg you use a crutch, and for me, that medicine was the crutch I needed in that season for my mind. 
One thing that the prescription was not able to help was my broken/confused/angry heart. That was / continues to be a job that only Jesus could begin to accomplish. ☝️ 

I’ve learned that as tempting as it may be in certain life circumstances to numb, avoid, DO, we have to at some point 
>>allow ourselves to FEEL in order to begin to HEAL.<<

I think I used to hear the word ‘heal’ and expect it to mean everything is ‘perfect’ and without blemish again. But the truth of the matter is there are scars that remain evident where healing takes place. Healing (while we are on this earth) doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is restored to ‘mint condition’. Our Redeemer bears scars that He endured for US and He grieves the wounds we sustain while living in this fallen world. What the enemy intends for our destruction, God can redeem for His glory and Eternal Purpose. He weeps alongside us. 

There is a lot of theology out there that unintentionally makes God the scapegoat. I believed it for the longest time and it really caused me more pain + confusion than anything. I felt angry with God for ‘giving/taking away Will’ yet comforted knowing Will was ‘in paradise’ with Him. Try navigating that tension with any level of sanity. The enemy comes to ‘kill, steal, destroy’, manipulate. God exchanges ‘ash for beauty’. 

God doesn’t ‘give’ people cancer. God didn’t cause Will’s accident. We live in a fallen world where sickness / sin/ death ‘temporarily’ abound. There was no divine ‘reason’ for my son’s tragic death; however when with God ‘in charge’ anything can be made to have Purpose, Eternal significance. Have there been people who have come to know Christ through this circumstance, yes, I believe so, but that isn’t God’s intended method of saving souls. Can He work ANYTHING for good… YES!!….But He doesn’t cause the bad in order to accomplish the good. I think a lot of us, if we really think about it, have a confusing\ conflicting/ idea \image of who God is. An idea that can often times cause more harm /confusion than good. 

Life isn’t always going to make sense, we can’t tie some things up in pretty little bows and sweep sickness, sex trafficking & tragedies, under a tidy rug. It’s taken me years to reconcile with that realization. I’ve finally learned to accept what I may never fully comprehend. It’s such a liberating breathe of fresh air… accepting that I won’t have all the answers/ rationalizations/ perfect platitudes for some (or a lot) of ‘things’ that occur. I had to wrestle and navigate and discover an intimate relationship with my Creator for myself, in time, with patience and grace. 

The past 8 years have been full of Heaven invading my brokenness to reveal the true identity/Glory of God beyond my capacity to contain it. Though I grieve with ABSOLUTE HOPE, that does not mean I don’t shed tears of heartache / yearning. I’m a mama who has experienced an excruciatingly sacred moment of holding my own son as he took his final breaths on this earth. 

There are many who have gone before me and too many who have and will continue to follow behind… though, the amount of time that has preceded does not measure the magnitude of our bond, we carry each other by His Grace + Love and with a compassion/understanding within that has been forged in this fire of unexplainable loss. 

{Great faith is exhibited not so much in doing as in suffering.} 

{For my hope is that their hearts may be encouraged, as they are knit together in [unselfish] love, then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery so that they may have all the riches that come from the full assurance of understanding [the joy of salvation], resulting in a true [and more intimate] knowledge of the mystery of God, that is, Christ,”} Col 2:2-4