Posted by on Mar 30, 2016 in God and Faith, Grief, Hope, My Journey, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Something I’m sure that most people don’t think twice about is the sight of their precious sleeping baby/child, all peaceful and innocent. Snuggled in and relaxed. Rosy cheeked and beautiful. 

After Will died that once-sacred sight absolutely terrified me. It brought a swell of emotions, flashbacks and a heart-racing panic. I never wanted to admit it because, well, I felt like such a horrible mom, not being to withstand the simple sight of my sleeping children, knowing how precious I used to think it was to stare at them sleeping. (Like literally just stare like a creeper
Experiencing the death of a child is traumatic. Whether your baby is born ‘sleeping’ {I like to say born into the arms of Jesus} or you watch your child take their last breathe. Maybe you didn’t get to see them until after that final moment and seeing your child lay in a casket is the most unnatural and disturbing thing.

I secretly struggled with being able to look at my children while they slept for many years, until one day I noticed I didn’t struggle quite as much. I hate the phrase ‘time heals all wounds’ because time in itself isn’t what has the power, authority and GRACE to heal. 
Time with God, allowing Him to piece me back together, as only He can, has provided the healing and ability to slowly overcome the trauma that my mama heart has experienced.

I began openly journaling on a legacy site almost immediately after Will’s accident and with that comes criticism from outsiders. (That’s okay, I don’t expect every single person to be on the same page as me, I don’t hold it against anyone.) There was this woman who’s words held more power over me than I care to admit. 
She quoted scripture from 1 Thessalonians 4:13 – {“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”}
She told me that I sounded like a fool believing that Will was anything but ‘asleep’ and that I needed to stop trying to cope with my grief in such an irrational way. In that moment, as you can only imagine my heart sunk and panic set in. 
I tore open my bible and began reading the passage of scripture she sent, only to see the very same words she had written. Devastation. Embarrassment. Shame. Are a few emotions that rose to the surface. 

But here’s the thing about God’s Word. About that Bible that sits on shelves and often times collects dust. (Guilty 🙋) Something that a lot of people overlook and neglect, I’m assuming because of the absurdity to wrap our finite minds around it, but reality is that His word is Alive. The Holy Spirit breathes life into us as we read that scripture if we allow Him to. 
Will’s physical temple is very much asleep right now. In fact I don’t really want to even think about what kind of condition it is currently in, but his spirit… The spirit man that was in that temple is alive and with our Savior! Jesus didn’t tell that criminal that was crucified on the cross next to him that ‘TODAY, you will be with me in Paradise'(Luke 23:43) just to instill a sense of false hope in him before he died his tragic death. No, My Jesus is not a liar or false Hope instiller! 

While seeing my sweet boy lay in that casket, eyelashes so long they touched his cheek when his big brown eyes were closed, he looked very much like my other children while peacefully sleeping. Which is turn made it difficult for me to enjoy my other children in that precious and peaceful state. 

But God has been ever so faithful and steadfast in walking with me through the aftermath of this trauma I experienced. Gently. Patiently. Lovingly. He didn’t intend for me to have this struggle, to not be able to look at my sleeping children without a sense of panic. The bitterness of simple pleasures and moments is continuing to fade into sweet Joy. 

It takes my breathe away to see how far He has brought me these past 7 years, overcoming obstacles I never dreamt I’d overcome. 

It’s not because I’m this super woman with superpowers. It’s actually quite the opposite. I know I can’t do this alone. I know the power isn’t in and of myself. When I am weak and humbled than He is strong and Mighty in me. This refining process is not for the proud and strong. 

I’m so overjoyed to say that today I can enjoy the innocence of being a mom who loves nothing more than watching my kids take a good nap or maybe lingering just awhile longer after they have fallen asleep for the night. It’s not something I take for granted as getting here has been a rough passage, but God continues to show me that in Him, with Him and through Him He truly can bring Immeasurably More. (Ephesians 3:20)