The Will to Choose

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Sep20

Birthday Revelation 

Posted on Sep 20 by

Outliving my child was not something I ever dreamt of or desired. It was actually never even a thought in my mind until Will died. My 3 years and 8 months with him was filled with love, joy and squeezing every last ounce of fun + life out of each day. It’s crazy to think I’ve existed on this earth for 35 years; yet those 3 years with him & 8 since his death impacted me more than anything ever had or will. I have been given a gift with this great sorrow and that is Eternal perspective. I have to choose to use + steward this gift, to SEE it, walk in it’s Truth & Light and that’s not always easy. Sometimes the sorrow + darkness just overwhelm. And sometimes life gets sticky because I’m not immune to other hurts / disappointments just because I’m enduring/weathering this #childloss road. • And birthdays. How bittersweet it can be to celebrate another year of life when I’ve outlived my son. The first several years I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face the...

Sep01

Prayer

Posted on Sep 1 by

If I’m being totally honest..I often times catch myself praying as if God is a magical genie in the sky who’s main purpose is to grant my every wish (desire). ‘Do this, give me that, don’t let this happen, help them’ etc.  I actually feel quite helpless at times because I get caught in the train of thought that convinces me prayer is irrelevant. I mean, at the end of the day God is the one in charge, so regardless of what I want or pray for, I’ve come to understand that His ways are Higher. (And let’s be honest.. it doesn’t always FEEL/SEEM that way) That can be scary reality to swallow. •  I’d be a fool (and untrue to myself) if I didn’t wrestle through these lingering thoughts that occasionally resurface. I’ve seen/experienced first hand the power of prayer and healing, yet still these concerns have remained in the back of my mind. • So I decided to search / explore and ask some tough questions. Questions about doubts that don’t sound ‘Christian’. That expose my deepest...

Jul23

8 years ago… 

Posted on Jul 23 by

I’ve been navigating the deep waters of grief for 8 years now. July 21, 2009. A day that will forever be imprinted on my heart, it changed the course of my life forever. The day when my beautiful 3 year old son died in a tragic accident + my world was shattered. We were left with a casket to pick, funeral plan and a future to walk out without our sweet Will. Typically future hopes / dreams for families don’t involve the messy reality that had just crept its way into our lives. Where does one even begin to attempt to pick up those pieces? I ‘hid’ behind my faith for awhile, afraid of actual feeling the gravity of it all… (yea that’s an actual thing I think) But as I gradually became more of a shell of who I once was in the months following Will’s death, I was encouraged by close friends to seek medical ‘help’ in the form of anti-depressant/anxiety medication. As a ‘Christian’ who was openly proclaiming how God was near and sufficient in my...

Mar18

Spring is coming

Posted on Mar 18 by

The changing seasons used to absolutely paralyze me. After great loss we tend view time as ‘before _____ & after ______’. -• And as the earth continued to spin my world continued to feel more shattered + broken. Spring was tough because as all the dead things began to bloom back into life; I was still trying to catch my breathe and wrap my head + heart around my new ‘reality’ without my son. I began placing unnecessary pressure + expectations on myself to be a certain way, the paranoia of wondering what others might think if they knew how completely ‘dead’ I still felt inside would silence + cripple me. It was hard to witness life passing me by, everyone around me continuing to live their (seemingly perfect) normal lives as I felt I was at a stand still not even knowing how to fully walk out my new ‘normal’, that I didn’t ask for.  Somehow, those first few years the beautiful blooms & resurrected life of spring only magnified the sting of my new reality.     ...

Dec26

This is Christmas

Posted on Dec 26 by

This is my reality. One that leaves me standing over the grave of my son on Christmas Day and any other day. That always leaves our family pictures incomplete + bittersweet. A reality that I wrestle(d) with accepting + digesting for years.  A reality I carry with me that can destroy or propel me with a single thought. Because of Jesus, the Christ (that’s in this very CHRISTmas Day).  Joy + sorrow can co-exist.  I can embrace all the goodness in my here and now even with this huge tangible void that is my sweet boy, Will’s physical absence. Each emotion is felt deeply with Love + Grace.  This is Christmas. This sacred ground I stand + mourn over is why He came and why we all can still celebrate, no matter our circumstance, trials, defeats & from the depth of our soul  we can say ‘it is well’.  Merry Christmas friends. You are loved, even if you find yourself standing over something that has {passed} look Up and receive the Perfect Love that awaits. He makes all things...

Dec13

Christmas with Grief

Posted on Dec 13 by

Christmas with grief. (Originally posted December 2014.. It’s been edited for this repost) Most people don’t like to address such sorrow during a time meant for so much joy. But it’s there, the pain, the ache, the heartbreak. You can’t ignore or tuck away the obvious & fresh absence of that missing loved one, in my case, my son. When someone you love passes away and the holiday season approaches, the ache sometimes intensifies. You aren’t alone in feeling that way. I’ve felt it, I feel it, I live it, breathe it. There’s not a day that I don’t think of Will. He’s my boy, always. His death doesn’t diminish his existence, the tremendous impact and imprint his ‘too short’ life has made on my heart. There’s no particular reason that any day should be more difficult than another, but reality is there are days that sting just a bit more. Will’s birthday. My birthday. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Easter. Family pictures. And of course, the dreaded date of his accident. Throughout the past several years I feel that I’ve learned quite...