The Will to Choose

Navigation Menu

Blog

More posts »
Nov17

What else? 

Posted on Nov 17 by

I’ve been so tempted today to shout the question ‘what else can go wrong?’  Its been building the last several months and today with some more disappointing news it was the last straw.  I always try to see the positive in everything but honestly sometimes there isn’t really any positive and that’s just life.  I’m certain so many of you can relate to the old saying ‘when it rains it pours’.. I’ve literally been comparing my life to Job (from the bible) lately. Anyone ever been there? Where you can’t seem to ‘catch a break’ or your breathe between storms?  But today as I was attempting to digest some more bad news and the thought of wondering what else could go wrong was circling in my mind I took it captive.  Despite my circumstance, the seemingly endless disappointments, my not so fuzzy feelings, I still have complete control over my mind and thoughts. Over the things that take up residence in my head space and heart. Because the honest truth is A LOT ELSE COULD GO WRONG. I’ve lived...

Nov08

Your story matters 

Posted on Nov 8 by

Do you believe that your story matters?  There is so much emphasis on followers and platforms this day in age that I think sometimes we can forget that our stories are valuable. Just as valuable as the other person going through that similar thing; except maybe you have believed somewhere along the way that because they have tens if not hundreds of thousands of ‘followers’, they are more important/better than you. Their story + calling + blessing is more important & bigger, maybe their writing is getting published or they’re being invited to speak at big events + be noticed while you feel unseen and forgotten, useless.  Their platform is enormous & continues to grow as you begin to feel overlooked & just want to shrink away and quiet your voice. Because somewhere along the way you forgot that you matter. That your testimony holds just as much value. Somehow you’ve bought the lie that 10,000 lives are more important than 1. That 1 person who you’ve inspired by being brave. That 1 life that has been redeemed +...

Nov01

Surrender 

Posted on Nov 1 by

Another layer of this grief has begun its descent and it’s exposing more raw and unchartered emotions within. The thing with grief is its a process. I’m sure that’s not new news to most of you, but I’m beginning to discover ‘why’ it’s a process. There is territory that had I been brought to the threshold of it years ago, I would have been swallowed up. The new layers gradually peel back as I embrace the emotions that accompany this grief rather than iron vault them up & attempt to force myself to feel anything other than the screaming sadness.  The journey can leave me bruised + battered & quite frankly confused, because I’d thought surely I wouldn’t arrive back at this place of consumption. When my heart tangibly aches and yearns for my boy. Facing these feelings is terrifying, especially when distracting myself + avoiding helps me to function at a much greater capacity. But powering through because ‘I just have to’ cannot be my motivation forever. Surrendering to allow every ounce of beauty to be produced from...

Oct09

Strong

Posted on Oct 9 by

I hear a lot of people who walk this child loss road and others that have experienced deep sorrow and suffering say that they don’t feel strong. They say that so many others tell them how strong they are; yet they don’t feel it, they don’t understand.  I imagine that ‘strong’ isn’t a feeling, it’s a state of being. What they’re seeing is God’s power in someone who has walked through the depths of hell, a person who is not afraid of being ‘weak’, because in that place of vulnerability and humility, that place of deep sorrow; God moves best and His power is most prevalent. He needs people who are brave when they don’t realize they’re being brave, strong, when they don’t realize they’re strong, and willing to feel and learn and ‘be still’ through the school of suffering, because no sorrow is wasted in the Hands of our Perfect Father.  So when someone tells you that you are so strong, and every ounce of your being feels anything but; just smile and know that what they are...

Sep21

A New Thing

Posted on Sep 21 by

This is 34.  I’ll be transparent in admitting that birthdays have been hard for me the past 7 years.. Not because I’m aging (“I’ll never regret growing older; it’s a privilege denied to many”). It’s because I am here and he is not. The tears stream and my heart aches and celebrating my birthday was the last thing I wanted to do. To outlive your child is a pain that bares grief that cripples you, guilt that haunts you… I had no desire in celebrating that I got another year, it wasn’t fair.  But God has been doing a new thing in me this past year, I haven’t been writing AS much recently because I’m processing what exactly it is that He’s bringing forth out of me. It’s a Joy that I cannot contain & can often times dilute as to not be insensitive to those currently in the trenches.. But I clambered through those very trenches, sat in the valley Achor as scary and lonely as it seemed…embraced the pain & disappointment as much as I wanted to...

Jul24

I Will rise

Posted on Jul 24 by

https://vimeo.com/175915310 This is so much bigger than me or Will or my amazing friends who organized this event. I hope this video brings so much good and comfort, I hope it fills aching hearts with Love and Peace, I hope those who are struggling to reconcile events in life that just don’t make any sense, circumstances that have left you bruised and beaten, can find Hope in Him through this testimony. Never give up. Never lose hope because Hope is the one thing that can never be lost, though it may feel that way, nothing on this earth can separate us from the love of God but us. We can choose to walk away and turn from the Light and I pray if that is you that you will see the miraculous evidence of our incredible God all over this video. His fingerprint is in the very core of it all, orchestrating the supernatural at His command. Why? Because He longs for every heart to be filled with His perfect, all encompassing Love.  My sweet Will was and is...