The Will to Choose

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Posted on Oct 9 by

I hear a lot of people who walk this child loss road and others that have experienced deep sorrow and suffering say that they don’t feel strong. They say that so many others tell them how strong they are; yet they don’t feel it, they don’t understand.  I imagine that ‘strong’ isn’t a feeling, it’s a state of being. What they’re seeing is God’s power in someone who has walked through the depths of hell, a person who is not afraid of being ‘weak’, because in that place of vulnerability and humility, that place of deep sorrow; God moves best and His power is most prevalent. He needs people who are brave when they don’t realize they’re being brave, strong, when they don’t realize they’re strong, and willing to feel and learn and ‘be still’ through the school of suffering, because no sorrow is wasted in the Hands of our Perfect Father.  So when someone tells you that you are so strong, and every ounce of your being feels anything but; just smile and know that what they are...


A New Thing

Posted on Sep 21 by

This is 34.  I’ll be transparent in admitting that birthdays have been hard for me the past 7 years.. Not because I’m aging (“I’ll never regret growing older; it’s a privilege denied to many”). It’s because I am here and he is not. The tears stream and my heart aches and celebrating my birthday was the last thing I wanted to do. To outlive your child is a pain that bares grief that cripples you, guilt that haunts you… I had no desire in celebrating that I got another year, it wasn’t fair.  But God has been doing a new thing in me this past year, I haven’t been writing AS much recently because I’m processing what exactly it is that He’s bringing forth out of me. It’s a Joy that I cannot contain & can often times dilute as to not be insensitive to those currently in the trenches.. But I clambered through those very trenches, sat in the valley Achor as scary and lonely as it seemed…embraced the pain & disappointment as much as I wanted to...


I Will rise

Posted on Jul 24 by This is so much bigger than me or Will or my amazing friends who organized this event. I hope this video brings so much good and comfort, I hope it fills aching hearts with Love and Peace, I hope those who are struggling to reconcile events in life that just don’t make any sense, circumstances that have left you bruised and beaten, can find Hope in Him through this testimony. Never give up. Never lose hope because Hope is the one thing that can never be lost, though it may feel that way, nothing on this earth can separate us from the love of God but us. We can choose to walk away and turn from the Light and I pray if that is you that you will see the miraculous evidence of our incredible God all over this video. His fingerprint is in the very core of it all, orchestrating the supernatural at His command. Why? Because He longs for every heart to be filled with His perfect, all encompassing Love.  My sweet Will was and is...


7 years ago today… 

Posted on Jul 21 by

Being with someone as they take their final breaths on this earth is overwhelmingly sacred. Holding your own child as they take theirs is earth shattering.  Our bodies are created in such an extraordinary fashion (by an extraordinary God) and the way our hearts and minds cope with tragedy is exceptional. There are moments of total devastating despair mixed with moments of numbing calm (shock) and so much more in between.  But the choice of the depth in which we allow it to transform us, to throw our arms around the unthinkable and cling to the unwavering fact that God is good and can work anything together for good is completely up to us.  I am no longer afraid of the crushing pain and unimaginable memories that accompany this traumatic July 21st day. The past 7 years of my life have been better than I could have ever dreamt they’d be as I dreaded a future without Will. The tears still fall but I would be more concerned at the condition of my heart if they didn’t. Hearing the...


Perfectly enough 

Posted on Jul 19 by

Have you ever felt like you’re not enough? I often hear people express this insecurity, not feeling like enough, I’ve felt it myself; in marriage, in motherhood…  But lately what I’ve mostly been fearing is that I am ‘too much’. It exhausts me, running tireless circles in my weary mind. Afraid to expose and express to those in my life what’s going on in my mind and heart. Because lately, behind closed doors, it’s not been so pretty. I feel like the burden I bear is too much, the tears, the struggle, the longing… I fear that if I don’t play down my current emotions and pretty up the terrifying state of my current disaster of a self, that I will totally scare people off.  I’m pretty transparent by nature, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and the last thing I’m looking to do is make others uncomfortable or feel any sort of pity for me. So I shut down, isolate and avoid. Because me and my baggage are just ‘too much’. I don’t want to burden anyone...


Meet the Bowman’s (A family that YOU helped just by purchasing a t-shirt from The Will to Choose)

Posted on Apr 1 by

   A few months into our second pregnancy in December 2014, I miscarried the baby. It was a heartbreaking shock and I don’t think I’ll ever forget the emptiness I felt leaving that hospital with an empty womb and empty arms. It was deeply sad and very hard. We heeded the doctor’s recommendation and waited a month before trying again. Again I got pregnant right away. And shortly after we found out, we lost that baby too. I was furious. I had no idea why God would allow for us to lose another baby. And I was mad. I’ve never been that angry with God before in my life. I made a decision that day that no matter what happened on our journey to grow our family, that I would give it all to Him. Because even though I didn’t understand, even though I was heartbroken and furious, He was in control. And He was still writing our story. Due to my consecutive miscarriages, I was referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. After many tests, we were given the green...