The Will to Choose

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Mar18

Spring is coming

Posted on Mar 18 by

The changing seasons used to absolutely paralyze me. After great loss we tend view time as ‘before _____ & after ______’. -• And as the earth continued to spin my world continued to feel more shattered + broken. Spring was tough because as all the dead things began to bloom back into life; I was still trying to catch my breathe and wrap my head + heart around my new ‘reality’ without my son. I began placing unnecessary pressure + expectations on myself to be a certain way, the paranoia of wondering what others might think if they knew how completely ‘dead’ I still felt inside would silence + cripple me. It was hard to witness life passing me by, everyone around me continuing to live their (seemingly perfect) normal lives as I felt I was at a stand still not even knowing how to fully walk out my new ‘normal’, that I didn’t ask for.  Somehow, those first few years the beautiful blooms & resurrected life of spring only magnified the sting of my new reality.     ...

Dec26

This is Christmas

Posted on Dec 26 by

This is my reality. One that leaves me standing over the grave of my son on Christmas Day and any other day. That always leaves our family pictures incomplete + bittersweet. A reality that I wrestle(d) with accepting + digesting for years.  A reality I carry with me that can destroy or propel me with a single thought. Because of Jesus, the Christ (that’s in this very CHRISTmas Day).  Joy + sorrow can co-exist.  I can embrace all the goodness in my here and now even with this huge tangible void that is my sweet boy, Will’s physical absence. Each emotion is felt deeply with Love + Grace.  This is Christmas. This sacred ground I stand + mourn over is why He came and why we all can still celebrate, no matter our circumstance, trials, defeats & from the depth of our soul  we can say ‘it is well’.  Merry Christmas friends. You are loved, even if you find yourself standing over something that has {passed} look Up and receive the Perfect Love that awaits. He makes all things...

Dec13

Christmas with Grief

Posted on Dec 13 by

Christmas with grief. (Originally posted December 2014.. It’s been edited for this repost) Most people don’t like to address such sorrow during a time meant for so much joy. But it’s there, the pain, the ache, the heartbreak. You can’t ignore or tuck away the obvious & fresh absence of that missing loved one, in my case, my son. When someone you love passes away and the holiday season approaches, the ache sometimes intensifies. You aren’t alone in feeling that way. I’ve felt it, I feel it, I live it, breathe it. There’s not a day that I don’t think of Will. He’s my boy, always. His death doesn’t diminish his existence, the tremendous impact and imprint his ‘too short’ life has made on my heart. There’s no particular reason that any day should be more difficult than another, but reality is there are days that sting just a bit more. Will’s birthday. My birthday. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Easter. Family pictures. And of course, the dreaded date of his accident. Throughout the past several years I feel that I’ve learned quite...

Nov17

What else? 

Posted on Nov 17 by

I’ve been so tempted today to shout the question ‘what else can go wrong?’  Its been building the last several months and today with some more disappointing news it was the last straw.  I always try to see the positive in everything but honestly sometimes there isn’t really any positive and that’s just life.  I’m certain so many of you can relate to the old saying ‘when it rains it pours’.. I’ve literally been comparing my life to Job (from the bible) lately. Anyone ever been there? Where you can’t seem to ‘catch a break’ or your breathe between storms?  But today as I was attempting to digest some more bad news and the thought of wondering what else could go wrong was circling in my mind I took it captive.  Despite my circumstance, the seemingly endless disappointments, my not so fuzzy feelings, I still have complete control over my mind and thoughts. Over the things that take up residence in my head space and heart. Because the honest truth is A LOT ELSE COULD GO WRONG. I’ve lived...

Nov08

Your story matters 

Posted on Nov 8 by

Do you believe that your story matters?  There is so much emphasis on followers and platforms this day in age that I think sometimes we can forget that our stories are valuable. Just as valuable as the other person going through that similar thing; except maybe you have believed somewhere along the way that because they have tens if not hundreds of thousands of ‘followers’, they are more important/better than you. Their story + calling + blessing is more important & bigger, maybe their writing is getting published or they’re being invited to speak at big events + be noticed while you feel unseen and forgotten, useless.  Their platform is enormous & continues to grow as you begin to feel overlooked & just want to shrink away and quiet your voice. Because somewhere along the way you forgot that you matter. That your testimony holds just as much value. Somehow you’ve bought the lie that 10,000 lives are more important than 1. That 1 person who you’ve inspired by being brave. That 1 life that has been redeemed +...

Nov01

Surrender 

Posted on Nov 1 by

Another layer of this grief has begun its descent and it’s exposing more raw and unchartered emotions within. The thing with grief is its a process. I’m sure that’s not new news to most of you, but I’m beginning to discover ‘why’ it’s a process. There is territory that had I been brought to the threshold of it years ago, I would have been swallowed up. The new layers gradually peel back as I embrace the emotions that accompany this grief rather than iron vault them up & attempt to force myself to feel anything other than the screaming sadness.  The journey can leave me bruised + battered & quite frankly confused, because I’d thought surely I wouldn’t arrive back at this place of consumption. When my heart tangibly aches and yearns for my boy. Facing these feelings is terrifying, especially when distracting myself + avoiding helps me to function at a much greater capacity. But powering through because ‘I just have to’ cannot be my motivation forever. Surrendering to allow every ounce of beauty to be produced from...