The Will to Choose

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Jul23

8 years ago… 

Posted on Jul 23 by

I’ve been navigating the deep waters of grief for 8 years now. July 21, 2009. A day that will forever be imprinted on my heart, it changed the course of my life forever. The day when my beautiful 3 year old son died in a tragic accident + my world was shattered. We were left with a casket to pick, funeral plan and a future to walk out without our sweet Will. Typically future hopes / dreams for families don’t involve the messy reality that had just crept its way into our lives. Where does one even begin to attempt to pick up those pieces? I ‘hid’ behind my faith for awhile, afraid of actual feeling the gravity of it all… (yea that’s an actual thing I think) But as I gradually became more of a shell of who I once was in the months following Will’s death, I was encouraged by close friends to seek medical ‘help’ in the form of anti-depressant/anxiety medication. As a ‘Christian’ who was openly proclaiming how God was near and sufficient in my...

Mar18

Spring is coming

Posted on Mar 18 by

The changing seasons used to absolutely paralyze me. After great loss we tend view time as ‘before _____ & after ______’. -• And as the earth continued to spin my world continued to feel more shattered + broken. Spring was tough because as all the dead things began to bloom back into life; I was still trying to catch my breathe and wrap my head + heart around my new ‘reality’ without my son. I began placing unnecessary pressure + expectations on myself to be a certain way, the paranoia of wondering what others might think if they knew how completely ‘dead’ I still felt inside would silence + cripple me. It was hard to witness life passing me by, everyone around me continuing to live their (seemingly perfect) normal lives as I felt I was at a stand still not even knowing how to fully walk out my new ‘normal’, that I didn’t ask for.  Somehow, those first few years the beautiful blooms & resurrected life of spring only magnified the sting of my new reality.     ...

Dec26

This is Christmas

Posted on Dec 26 by

This is my reality. One that leaves me standing over the grave of my son on Christmas Day and any other day. That always leaves our family pictures incomplete + bittersweet. A reality that I wrestle(d) with accepting + digesting for years.  A reality I carry with me that can destroy or propel me with a single thought. Because of Jesus, the Christ (that’s in this very CHRISTmas Day).  Joy + sorrow can co-exist.  I can embrace all the goodness in my here and now even with this huge tangible void that is my sweet boy, Will’s physical absence. Each emotion is felt deeply with Love + Grace.  This is Christmas. This sacred ground I stand + mourn over is why He came and why we all can still celebrate, no matter our circumstance, trials, defeats & from the depth of our soul  we can say ‘it is well’.  Merry Christmas friends. You are loved, even if you find yourself standing over something that has {passed} look Up and receive the Perfect Love that awaits. He makes all things...

Dec13

Christmas with Grief

Posted on Dec 13 by

Christmas with grief. (Originally posted December 2014.. It’s been edited for this repost) Most people don’t like to address such sorrow during a time meant for so much joy. But it’s there, the pain, the ache, the heartbreak. You can’t ignore or tuck away the obvious & fresh absence of that missing loved one, in my case, my son. When someone you love passes away and the holiday season approaches, the ache sometimes intensifies. You aren’t alone in feeling that way. I’ve felt it, I feel it, I live it, breathe it. There’s not a day that I don’t think of Will. He’s my boy, always. His death doesn’t diminish his existence, the tremendous impact and imprint his ‘too short’ life has made on my heart. There’s no particular reason that any day should be more difficult than another, but reality is there are days that sting just a bit more. Will’s birthday. My birthday. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Easter. Family pictures. And of course, the dreaded date of his accident. Throughout the past several years I feel that I’ve learned quite...

Nov17

What else? 

Posted on Nov 17 by

I’ve been so tempted today to shout the question ‘what else can go wrong?’  Its been building the last several months and today with some more disappointing news it was the last straw.  I always try to see the positive in everything but honestly sometimes there isn’t really any positive and that’s just life.  I’m certain so many of you can relate to the old saying ‘when it rains it pours’.. I’ve literally been comparing my life to Job (from the bible) lately. Anyone ever been there? Where you can’t seem to ‘catch a break’ or your breathe between storms?  But today as I was attempting to digest some more bad news and the thought of wondering what else could go wrong was circling in my mind I took it captive.  Despite my circumstance, the seemingly endless disappointments, my not so fuzzy feelings, I still have complete control over my mind and thoughts. Over the things that take up residence in my head space and heart. Because the honest truth is A LOT ELSE COULD GO WRONG. I’ve lived...

Nov08

Your story matters 

Posted on Nov 8 by

Do you believe that your story matters?  There is so much emphasis on followers and platforms this day in age that I think sometimes we can forget that our stories are valuable. Just as valuable as the other person going through that similar thing; except maybe you have believed somewhere along the way that because they have tens if not hundreds of thousands of ‘followers’, they are more important/better than you. Their story + calling + blessing is more important & bigger, maybe their writing is getting published or they’re being invited to speak at big events + be noticed while you feel unseen and forgotten, useless.  Their platform is enormous & continues to grow as you begin to feel overlooked & just want to shrink away and quiet your voice. Because somewhere along the way you forgot that you matter. That your testimony holds just as much value. Somehow you’ve bought the lie that 10,000 lives are more important than 1. That 1 person who you’ve inspired by being brave. That 1 life that has been redeemed +...