The Will to Choose

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Jul24

I Will rise

Posted on Jul 24 by

https://vimeo.com/175915310 This is so much bigger than me or Will or my amazing friends who organized this event. I hope this video brings so much good and comfort, I hope it fills aching hearts with Love and Peace, I hope those who are struggling to reconcile events in life that just don’t make any sense, circumstances that have left you bruised and beaten, can find Hope in Him through this testimony. Never give up. Never lose hope because Hope is the one thing that can never be lost, though it may feel that way, nothing on this earth can separate us from the love of God but us. We can choose to walk away and turn from the Light and I pray if that is you that you will see the miraculous evidence of our incredible God all over this video. His fingerprint is in the very core of it all, orchestrating the supernatural at His command. Why? Because He longs for every heart to be filled with His perfect, all encompassing Love.  My sweet Will was and is...

Jul21

7 years ago today… 

Posted on Jul 21 by

Being with someone as they take their final breaths on this earth is overwhelmingly sacred. Holding your own child as they take theirs is earth shattering.  Our bodies are created in such an extraordinary fashion (by an extraordinary God) and the way our hearts and minds cope with tragedy is exceptional. There are moments of total devastating despair mixed with moments of numbing calm (shock) and so much more in between.  But the choice of the depth in which we allow it to transform us, to throw our arms around the unthinkable and cling to the unwavering fact that God is good and can work anything together for good is completely up to us.  I am no longer afraid of the crushing pain and unimaginable memories that accompany this traumatic July 21st day. The past 7 years of my life have been better than I could have ever dreamt they’d be as I dreaded a future without Will. The tears still fall but I would be more concerned at the condition of my heart if they didn’t. Hearing the...

Jul19

Perfectly enough 

Posted on Jul 19 by

Have you ever felt like you’re not enough? I often hear people express this insecurity, not feeling like enough, I’ve felt it myself; in marriage, in motherhood…  But lately what I’ve mostly been fearing is that I am ‘too much’. It exhausts me, running tireless circles in my weary mind. Afraid to expose and express to those in my life what’s going on in my mind and heart. Because lately, behind closed doors, it’s not been so pretty. I feel like the burden I bear is too much, the tears, the struggle, the longing… I fear that if I don’t play down my current emotions and pretty up the terrifying state of my current disaster of a self, that I will totally scare people off.  I’m pretty transparent by nature, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and the last thing I’m looking to do is make others uncomfortable or feel any sort of pity for me. So I shut down, isolate and avoid. Because me and my baggage are just ‘too much’. I don’t want to burden anyone...

Apr01

Meet the Bowman’s (A family that YOU helped just by purchasing a t-shirt from The Will to Choose)

Posted on Apr 1 by

   A few months into our second pregnancy in December 2014, I miscarried the baby. It was a heartbreaking shock and I don’t think I’ll ever forget the emptiness I felt leaving that hospital with an empty womb and empty arms. It was deeply sad and very hard. We heeded the doctor’s recommendation and waited a month before trying again. Again I got pregnant right away. And shortly after we found out, we lost that baby too. I was furious. I had no idea why God would allow for us to lose another baby. And I was mad. I’ve never been that angry with God before in my life. I made a decision that day that no matter what happened on our journey to grow our family, that I would give it all to Him. Because even though I didn’t understand, even though I was heartbroken and furious, He was in control. And He was still writing our story. Due to my consecutive miscarriages, I was referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. After many tests, we were given the green...

Mar30

Confession… 

Posted on Mar 30 by

Something I’m sure that most people don’t think twice about is the sight of their precious sleeping baby/child, all peaceful and innocent. Snuggled in and relaxed. Rosy cheeked and beautiful.  After Will died that once-sacred sight absolutely terrified me. It brought a swell of emotions, flashbacks and a heart-racing panic. I never wanted to admit it because, well, I felt like such a horrible mom, not being to withstand the simple sight of my sleeping children, knowing how precious I used to think it was to stare at them sleeping. (Like literally just stare like a creeper Experiencing the death of a child is traumatic. Whether your baby is born ‘sleeping’ {I like to say born into the arms of Jesus} or you watch your child take their last breathe. Maybe you didn’t get to see them until after that final moment and seeing your child lay in a casket is the most unnatural and disturbing thing. I secretly struggled with being able to look at my children while they slept for many years, until one day I noticed...

Mar14

The story behind the Hope Garlands

Posted on Mar 14 by

“When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours” Romans 1:12 The night before Bo’s funeral, my amazing and sweet and talented friend Millie brought me the most wonderful gift. She had crocheted a heart garland in Bo’s heterotaxy colors, blue and yellow. At the time, I was lost in my own emotions and took the gift and smiled, but I was so consumed with so many negative emotions, I don’t think I could truly feel the importance of this gift. This gift meant more to me in the following year than I could have imagined.   Days after the funeral, I held this garland and cried…and prayed. I felt every emotion on every scale. This garland became my “Hope and Prayer” garland. I display it proudly in my home, as the first thing you see when you walk in. It has joined us in our family pictures to represent our little guy who couldn’t stay here on Earth long enough to bless us with his adorable...